


So Hello From The Other Side

by harrythe



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/M, Hopeful Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-05-05 18:19:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5385725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrythe/pseuds/harrythe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She wonders if it will ever stop hurting. If the ache in her chest will ever disappear, or if it’s permanently tattooed on her heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So Hello From The Other Side

**Author's Note:**

> I obviously should not be allowed to listen to "Hello" by Adele, after watching Girl Meets Texas part 3, and Girl Meets The New Year. Because this happened. After I drowned in Rucas feels for awhile.

She thinks about running a lot. Whether that’s running towards or away from something, she’s never really sure. All she knows is that it’s there, like an itch under her skin, something that she can’t scratch, buried deep in the depths of her soul.

It’s been there since New Years, when she was standing on that rooftop, her feelings broadcast to what felt like the entire world. And it’s not that she’s mad at Farkle, because she knows that he was doing it with her best interests at heart, but it’s tough to face the feelings she’s tried so hard to run away from. Feelings that she put aside for her best friend, because Maya deserves the world, even at the cost of her happiness.

And she remembers sitting with them on the rooftop, no one saying a word, because really, what can anybody say? Somebody was always going to get hurt. She just wishes she could have protected Maya and Lucas for just a little bit longer, just enough that her feelings would be a moot point, because she wouldn’t love Lucas any longer. Or long enough to escape what she’s been running from all along.

Sometimes she also thinks about being a bird, and flying away.

She doesn’t know where she’d go, but maybe it’s not the ending destination that she has in mind, but just the feeling of floating away, of leaving everything behind, cutting ties, and starting over.

Maybe she could go live with her grandparents, start over in the place that was so magical for her parents. The place where it feels like everything would be okay, because how could it not be? It brought together two of the most important people in her life. And if her parents could find each other there, and conquer the world, then maybe she has a chance.

Sometimes she wishes she wasn’t the daughter of Cory and Topanga, wishes she wasn’t the daughter of people who have given her unrealistic expectations of love, and a person who is supposed to be there with you through all of it. Because how can you not believe in that kind of love when you’re the daughter of Cory and Topanga?

She can’t blame them though, because without them, she probably wouldn’t believe in love in the first place. And she wouldn’t give up her feelings for Lucas for the world, because in the end, he’s the best and worst thing to ever happen to her. He’s her reason to wake up, her reason to try to be a better person, and the reason she so desperately tried to recreate it with Charlie.

In the end, her parents made her believe in love, but Lucas showed her how.

She remembers a saying of letting someone go, if you love them. She supposes she understands it now. She’s letting Lucas go, because he needs to be happy, and if that’s with Maya, then she owes him that. But she can’t help but hope that he comes back, hope that they get their second chance, and a someday that they were always supposed to have when the time was right. And she wishes that she hadn’t given it all up for her best friend, even though Maya deserves to be just as happy, and if her happiness is with Lucas, then how could she deny her that? She just wishes that she had cherished her time with him a little more, before she’d known it was all going to disappear right in front of her.

And it hurts. It hurts worse than anything she’s ever felt before, a pain so raw, and intense that it feels like she’s drowning in the middle of an ocean. And no one is around to help her.

She wishes she could talk to Maya about this.

But Maya hasn’t spoken to her since New Years, and she doesn’t know if it’s because Maya’s mad that she has feelings for Lucas, or that she’s mad because she kept it from her, or anything at all. And she wants to rage and scream at Maya, tell her that she gave it all up because she wanted Maya to be happy. And the tiny, selfish part of her says that Maya shouldn’t get to be mad because she gave Lucas up so she could be happy, and it’s not fair that she always feels like she’s sacrificing everything, all the time. And part of her wishes she had been more selfish with Lucas, because Maya had her feelings for Josh, and Lucas was _hers_ , not Maya’s. But she clamps those feelings down, because through it all, Maya is still her best friend, and she deserves to be happy, even if that’s with the guy that she still loves. She just wishes she didn’t have to be here to see it.

She tries to talk to Farkle about it, and it helps, but Farkle doesn’t understand. Doesn’t feel the desperate urge that she has to run, to fly, to start over and escape the pain that she’s going through. Because Farkle has never been through this. Never had his heart so broken and fractured that she’s afraid it will never heal.

And she misses the summer, when everything seemed so simple, and it was just her, and a country cowboy. A summer of first dates, and a first kiss that she will treasure forever on the subway.

She ends up taking the subway to places that she can’t remember, and it seems so long ago that she met Lucas, and she wishes she could turn back time. Wishes she could have missed the subway that day, and maybe things would have turned out differently.

It never really matters either way, because as far as she’s aware, either way she doesn’t end up with Lucas, and that probably hurts worst of all.

She wonders if it will ever stop hurting. If the ache in her chest will ever disappear, or if it’s permanently tattooed on her heart.

School resumes eventually, and as she takes her seat in her father’s classroom, Farkle behind her, Maya next to her, and Lucas behind Maya, it feels overwhelmingly familiar, and overwhelmingly sad. Because Maya’s not looking at her, and Lucas doesn’t say a word, and she knew this was going to happen if her secret got out.

She goes home that afternoon, throws herself down onto her bed, and sobs. And her parents come in, and they pat her hair, and when she brokenly whispers that she wants to leave, to escape from this crushing weight on her chest, and people that she can’t be around anymore, her mom gathers her in her arms, and her father promises that he’ll call her grandparents.

Her grandparents agree to take her in without any hesitation, and she’s all packed within a few hours. She texts Maya, and then Lucas, telling them that she’s leaving, and that she’s sorry, and that she wishes them both the best. She hopes they can find happiness, either together or apart, even if she can’t be around them anymore to find out. She saves Farkle for last, and she tells him that she loves him like her own brother, and that she’s glad he was there for her, when no one else could be. And then she shuts her phone off before he can reply, and try to change her mind.

Auggie doesn’t understand, and how could he? He’s still so young, and he cries, telling her he’ll miss her, and that he loves her, and she promises that she loves him too, and that this won’t change the fact that he’s her brother. She promises to call him every night before bed, and tell him the stories of mermaids, and pirates, and anything he takes his fancy in.

It doesn’t surprise her that Farkle is the only one to show up to say goodbye. He doesn’t say anything about stopping her, or that she’s making a mistake, though she’s sure he’s thinking it. He just holds her, and promises to keep in touch, and tells her that he understands why she’s leaving. She jokes about him coming with her, and he smiles, and tells her not to tempt him. She pulls him into another hug, and makes him promise to hold onto what he has with Smackle, even when things get tough.

And then she leaves the city she grew up in, feeling like a bird stretching her wings.

Her grandparents welcome her with hugs and kisses, and her Uncle Josh carries her bags to her Aunt Morgan’s old room. And then he gives her a hug, and says that he’s glad she’s here, and she cries in his arms, and tells him everything, and she watches the look on his face when she tells him about Maya and Lucas.

She wishes she could know what her uncle was feeling, before he schools his face to be unreadable.

She settles into her aunt’s room, and into her new school, and her new life, and it feels good. She sits in classrooms her father used to sit in, probably in the seat her mother sat in, and makes friends with the girl sitting next to her. She talks to her parents every night on the phone, and tucks her brother in with a story, and texts Farkle about the place their parents grew up.

She never hears from Maya and Lucas, and it hurts, because she didn’t want to lose either one of them, and in the end she lost both of them.

She also misses New York like a physical ache, misses it so much that she can’t breathe sometimes because she wants to go back. Wants to fix everything that is broken, even if it won’t fix her heart, because she misses her friends, she misses her life, and she misses the way things used to be.

And she goes to bed crying most nights, because it’s the only thing she can do. And she knows her grandparents know, but she can’t explain it to them. She can barely explain it to herself. But she continues through the motions, and she feels empty inside, because how could she not be, without her best friend by her side?

But life goes on, and one day she wakes up, and it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. She goes to school, and greets her friends, and they’re not Maya, or Farkle, or Lucas, but it’s okay. And she still texts Farkle, and calls her family, and they visit, and tell her they miss her, and wish she would come home.

And it shouldn’t surprise her when Maya shows up at her grandparents door.

They sit awkwardly for awhile, before Maya tells her that she misses her. That she doesn’t know how to deal with everything without her. That nothing is the same. That she and Lucas have fallen apart because she blames herself for Riley leaving, and Lucas probably also blames himself, and Farkle doesn’t really talk to either of them, because he doesn’t know how. She was always the glue that held them together.

And she apologizes for shutting her out, because she didn’t know what else to do.

And it’s not enough, but it’s a start, because they’re talking again, and she’s missed Maya so much, and it feels like the edges of her frayed heart are knitting themselves back together. They sit in her aunt’s room, curled up together, and it feels almost normal. And when Maya leaves to go back home, she promises to call her, and promises to visit, because Maya understands that she can’t go home yet.

And things get a little better, because she and Maya are talking again, and she and Farkle haven’t stopped talking, and their relationship is mending too. She goes home for lots of visits, and she never sees Lucas, but that’s okay. She’s learning to be okay without him, and it’s for the best.

It’s Christmastime when she finally comes home for good, and Maya and Farkle are waiting for her, and she hugs them both, and it’s the most normal she’s felt in a long time.

She also can’t help but glance around for the one face that isn’t there.

Neither Maya, nor Farkle mention him, and she’s grateful, because she doesn’t think she’s ready for that conversation. She sits in her bay window, and it feels like coming home. And with Maya and Farkle by her side, it feels almost complete, almost like nothing ever happened. And she ignores the way her heart still feels a bit empty, because she has her two best friends by her side, and that’s all she should need.

Christmas Day dawns bright and clear, and she wakes up in her own bed, and it should feel strange because she hasn’t stayed in her bed for a long time, but instead it feels so normal. So _right_. She almost can’t believe that she had the strength to leave.

And her grandparents come, and her uncle Josh, and her uncle Shawn, and Maya, and her mother, and even Farkle stops by for a bit, and she’s surrounded by the people that she loves the most, and she wants to cry. She finally feels home, and almost complete, and she wants to bask in this glow forever. She even thinks of Lucas, and her heart doesn’t ache as much as it used to. She misses him though, but then again, maybe she’ll always miss him. She does wish she could hear his voice again though. And maybe she should wait until she seems at school, when it starts back up, but she feels that maybe she’s ready. Ready to see him again. Ready to try and mend what she broke by lying to him, and probably broke even further when she left.

And it’s later that night, that she sneaks up to the rooftop, and everything is just the way it was almost a year ago. Though that probably isn’t surprising, since she’s probably the first person up here since that night. She pulls out her phone, and quickly unlocks it, and pulls up Lucas’s contact info. She hesitantly puts it up to her ear, and impatiently waits for it to ring. And when he picks up, she gathers all her courage, and takes a deep breath.  

“Hey, it’s me.”


	2. Girl Meets Philly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief insert of Riley's time in Philly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone on fanfiction.net wanted some more of Riley's time in Philly, and I wanted some more of Riley and Feeny. So this happened.

“I have not seen anyone sitting out here in a long time,” a voice said, interrupting Riley’s thoughts.

Her head snapped around to look, and there’s Mr. Feeny, standing at the fence, a smile on his face.

“I didn’t think anybody would be out here at this hour,” she said, standing up to walk over to him.

“I have found that it’s much better to garden at night, less chance of a distraction,” he mused, a twinkle in his eye.

“Need a hand?”

“After what you did to my garden last time you were here, I think not.” Mr. Feeny chuckled.

Riley blushed. “Sorry about that.”

“It is over and done with, I suppose. Now, what brings you out here at night?”

“Just missing home, I guess,” Riley said, looking up at the sky again. “The stars look so much clearer here.”

“Yes, I suppose they are.” Mr. Feeny grabbed his watering can, and began to water his plants. “Your father used to sit out here some nights looking at them too. He seemed to think it was rather helpful.”

Riley smiled. “My father said you were good at helping people out with their problems.”

“And do you have a problem, Ms. Matthews?”

Riley hesitated for a moment, before she decided to blurt it out. “Did my parents ever date other people?”

Mr. Feeny sighed, put down his watering can, and opened the gate, beckoning Riley through it, and directing her to sit on the bench next to his house. “May I ask what brought this conversation up?”

Riley sighed. “My friend Maya, who was here with me last time, has a crush on the guy I love, and I tried to be okay with it, even going so far as to push them together, and I tried to be okay with it, but I wasn’t. I really thought Lucas would be my person, that we’d be like my parents.”

Mr. Feeny smiled at her sadly. “There were a few other people, though no one was ever truly enough to keep them apart.”

“And did my dad and Uncle Shawn ever fight?”

Mr. Feeny chuckled. “They fought a fair few times, but it seems to me that even they managed to sort their problems out.”

Riley pondered this for a bit, before she stood up. “Thank you, Mr. Feeny. Do you think everything will turn out alright?”

Mr. Feeny smiled. “It has been my experience that nothing can ever truly stand in the way of friendship, Ms. Matthews.”

Riley smiled back at him. “Thank you, Mr. Feeny. I’ll leave you to your gardening, I guess.”

“You are very welcome Ms. Matthews,” he said, standing up, and walking her to the gate.

“Have a good night, Mr. Feeny,” she said, as she walked back into her grandparents house.

“You as well,” he said, before he picked up his watering can and started watering again.

* * *

“Do you think I was wrong for leaving,” Riley asked her uncle a few days after her talk with Mr. Feeny.

Josh sighed, and sat down next to his niece on the couch. “Do you feel bad for leaving?”

“I don’t know. Should I feel bad?”

“Riley, I think you should feel whatever it is you feel, without anyone telling you that you’re feelings are right or wrong. I know I’m not the greatest uncle-”

“You’re the best uncle,” Riley interrupted him.

Josh rolled his eyes. “I don’t have as much experience as your dad, or Shawn, or even Eric, but I do know this. You’re never going to get over what happened, until you feel whatever it is you’ve been repressing.”

Riley froze. “How do you know I’m repressing something?”

Josh snorted. “You’re my niece Riley, I know you.”

Riley fidgeted for a minute, and ran her fingers through her hair, and took a deep breath. “I don’t know how I feel,” she murmured.

“You don’t know, or you don’t want to know because someone’s been telling you what you feel?”

Riley bit her bottom lip, then let out a sigh. “I was angry,” she finally whispered.

“Angry at yourself. or someone else?”

“Both, I guess. I was angry at myself, for not noticing how Maya felt, and angry at her, for even having those feelings in the first place. I mean, she had you. She was in love with you. And then all of a sudden she had feelings for Lucas? Feelings for the guy that she knew I liked, even if she thought it was like a brother? And then she almost kissed him, and told me, and didn’t even think about how it was going to affect me. It was like she didn’t even care. And then I was mad at myself again, because I had no right to be angry, because she wasn’t going to tell me that she liked him, and I practically pushed them together.”

Josh wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “It’s okay to be angry Riley. No one is telling you you can’t be angry. You had just found out that your best friend liked the guy you liked. Any person in their right mind would probably feel a little angry about that. Anger is human, Riley, it’s okay to be human.”

“She didn’t even question it, you know. When I told her that I loved him like a brother, she didn’t even question it. And then I guess I felt a little glad, when Farkle told everyone that I was lying, and that I still loved Lucas. And I felt selfish, because now Maya knew the truth, and she could feel what I felt. Was it wrong to feel that way?”

“Were you glad that someone was going to get hurt, or glad that you didn’t have to lie anymore?”

“I was glad that I didn’t have to lie anymore.”

“That doesn’t make you a bad person Riley, and anybody that tries to tell you different is wrong. What you’re feeling is human.”

“I wish I had been more selfish with him,” Riley whispered. “I wish I had held on just that little bit longer.”

“Maybe it’s not over yet,” Josh soothed. “Maybe there’s still time.”

“And if there isn’t?”

“Then there’s going to be a guy in your future who loves you too much to let you go without a fight, and Lucas was just the stepping stone to help you get there.”

Riley’s shoulders shook a little, before she started letting out a quiet sob. Josh gathered her into his arms, and Riley finally let herself go, and it felt like she couldn’t stop crying, letting out gut-wrenching sobs that wracked her body. Josh moved a hand to her hair, combing through it, murmuring soothing words.

When she had eventually cried herself out, she dried her eyes, and took a deep breath.

“Do you feel better now?”

Riley nodded. “Thank you, Uncle Josh.”

Josh smiled. “It’s no problem. Just remember I’m always here for you.”

Riley nodded again, and stood up. “I should head to bed.”

“Goodnight, Riley.”

“Goodnight Uncle Josh.”

* * *

“Thank you, Mr. Feeny,” Riley said, as she stepped out the back door shortly after Maya’s visit, to catch the older gentleman watering his garden.

“To what are you thanking me for Ms. Matthews?”

“Maya and I are talking again. I think we might be able to repair our friendship.”

“I am glad to hear it.”

Riley smiled at him, before she held out the packet of seeds in her hand. “It isn’t much, but I wanted to repay you for the ones I took.”

Mr. Feeny smiled, and took the seeds. “These will look lovely Ms. Matthews. Thank you.”

“Do you have any other advice for me?”

“Only that you follow your heart. You can change the world, Ms. Matthews, make it your own.”

Riley nodded, before her grandmother called her from the house. “Thank you, again, Mr. Feeny.”

“You are most welcome Ms. Matthews.”

Riley walked back into her grandparents house, with a little more bounce in her step.

And if you asked George Feeny, Cory and Topanga’s daughter would do just fine. Just fine indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review?


	3. Like A Skipping Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wishes she could feel angry, and she wishes she could feel hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to write something from Maya's POV. That's all.

She wishes she could feel angry. She wishes she could feel hurt. And she wishes she would have seen this coming. And it’s as the snow is falling, and she’s sitting up on

the rooftop of Riley’s building, that she wishes that she hadn’t been taught how to hope.

She doesn’t know how long they sit there, until the silence gets to be too much, so she stands up and leaves. She walks home along the quiet New York streets, leaving footprints in the snow, and she feels sort of numb. And she wishes she could forget, forget the look on Lucas’s face, when he realized Riley still loved him, forget the way that Riley froze when Farkle spilled her secret. Forget the way that Lucas made her feel.

She wishes she could forget the way that Riley still loved him.

She comes home to her mother already in bed, and part of her wants to crawl in beside her, like she used to when she was little. Instead, she sits in her bedroom window, and cries. She cries for what could have been, and what is, and what will happen when she goes back to school.

She wishes Texas had never happened.

And she wants to be selfish, because Riley gave him up. Riley looked her in the eyes and told her she loved him like a brother. Riley lied to her. And she wants to be so angry at Riley, and maybe part of her is, but she knows why. Riley has always looked out for her, Riley has always sacrificed everything to make sure that she was okay.

Maybe now it’s time for Maya to do the same, because she knows. She knows that Lucas still feels something, knew it tonight when he got so jealous of Charlie. Knew it when Riley and Charlie went on their first date, and Lucas kept trying to butt in. She’s not as dumb as people think she is. She’s always known. She just hoped that he’d choose her in the end.

Hope is for suckers.

And she wants to talk to Riley about this, wants to know why, but she can’t bring herself to call her. Can’t bring herself to admit the truth, or face reality. Farkle tries to text her, to apologize, and she doesn’t want to shut him out, but the memory of that night is still on her mind. She doesn’t blame him, because he was doing what was best for Riley, and she would have done the same thing, but it still hurts. It hurts that Farkle knew Riley better than she did. And she wonders how she didn’t see. Was she really so caught up in finally having Lucas that she ignored her best friend?

School rolls back around, and she doesn’t even want to get out of bed. She doesn’t want to face everything that she’s been running from since New Year’s Eve. But her mother forces her out of bed, and she hops on the subway, and makes it to school just in time for the first bell. And then she stands in front of Mr. Matthew’s class, and it’s like her feet can’t move. She can see Riley’s curls, and Farkle’s arm just behind her, and she know’s she should go in, but it’s like she’s frozen. She’s not sure she can do this. She doesn’t want to do this. She doesn’t want to face reality yet.

She forces her feet to move, and she can feel everyone’s eyes on her as she sits down at her desk, and she want’s to say something. Wants to yell and scream, and make them stop, tell them to mind their own business. She can feel Riley looking at her, but she can’t bear to turn and face her. Can’t deal with the hurt, and the crushed dream.

She doesn’t know how to make things right.

She stiffens when Lucas walks into the room, but he doesn’t look at anyone. And Mr. Matthews tries so hard to pretend that everything is normal, even though it’s not. And she knows the whole class is waiting with baited breath, waiting for something, anything, but Maya just puts her head down, and wishes class would get over soon.

Whispers follow her throughout the rest of the day. She tries to ignore them, because they know nothing, but it’s hard. There’s rumors that she’s selfish, a terrible friend, and it would be funny, except that’s what she thinks of herself. She wishes she had figured it out sooner, wishes it hadn’t been practically thrown in her face.

She goes home that night and wishes she could leave. Wishes she could escape the city that suddenly feels too small for her.

Riley apparently beats her to that idea.

Instead, she goes and crawls into bed with her mother, and cries for the first time in a long time. Her mother doesn’t say much, just wraps her up into her arms, and promises that everything will work out. That despite how she feels, she isn’t alone. That she’s loved. That someone cares. In that moment, Maya has never felt closer to her mother, and she holds it close, cherishing it, wishing it would last just a little bit longer.

She goes back to school the next morning and it feels empty. Farkle stares at her as soon as she walks into the classroom, and he doesn't look angry or disappointed, just defeated. Lucas comes in, and freezes when he spots Riley’s empty seat, like he didn’t think it was real. And Maya wants to yell and rage and scream, at Lucas, at Farkle, at anyone because she lost her best friend.

She wishes she could yell at herself.

Mr. Matthews comes in, and he sighs when he see’s his daughter’s empty desk. He looks tired, like the entire world is resting on his shoulders. He moves lethargically around the class, constantly glancing at Riley’s desk, like it holds all the answers. Maybe it does. She shrinks down into her seat, and wishes the day would end sooner.

She withdraws even more into herself, and their friendship group falls apart eventually.

Farkle tries, bless him. He’s not the fixer though, can’t seem to fit himself into Riley’s shoes. He apologizes, over and over again, as though it’s his fault Riley left. As if he was the one who pushed her away, and ignored her, when she needed him the most. As if he’s the one who let her go without a fight. And maybe she should have fought harder for her best friend, shouldn’t have ignored her, and pushed her away. And maybe if she wasn’t so focused on keeping Lucas, she would have realized that Riley was fading away. Realized that her best friend was hurting far more than she would have thought possible.

She wishes she could get a do-over.

And she knows that Riley wanted her to try with Lucas, and maybe that makes it worse. Because Riley sacrificed so much for her, and she never thanked her. She just went after Lucas without a second thought. And she cringes when she thinks of when she told Riley about the almost kiss. And she wants to punch something, anything, when she thinks of Riley telling her parents that she just wanted Maya to be happy. That should have been her first clue.

She needs to find Riley, apologize, and beg her to come back.

Because even if she and Lucas aren’t a thing anymore, and really, there’s no knowing since he won’t talk to her, she misses their friendship. Misses the way things used to be. Wishes they could go back. And she wishes she hadn’t gone months without contacting her best friend.

She finds herself at the Matthews’ door before she even really realizes that she’d put on her coat.

They welcome her in with open arms, and it’s more than she could have hoped for, given that she was part of the reason their daughter left.

Though Auggie does seem to glare at her a lot.

She doesn’t blame him.

She begins with an apology, for driving their daughter away, for the way that she hasn’t visited, for how much hurt she’s caused. And then she asks if there’s any way she can speak to Riley. To apologize for the terrible friend she was.

Mr. Matthews promises to drive her there the next morning.

When they arrive in Philly, she stops for a moment to stare at the house that Mr. Matthews grew up in. She can understand why Riley came here. It’s peaceful, in a way that New York never is. She can see Mr. Feeny next door, out in his garden, and she would wave, but she’s technically on a mission. She walks up to the front door, and suddenly her hand feels twenty pounds heavier. She turns to look back at Mr. Matthews, who makes a little knocking motion with his hand, and she turns back around, breathes in deep, and knocks.

She’s not prepared for Riley to open the door.

She wants to cry as soon as she sees her.

Riley looks so much happier, and lighter than the last time she saw her. Her eyes don’t look so sad anymore, like she isn’t holding the weight of the world on her shoulders anymore. She follows her to the room where Riley is staying, and they sit in the window, and it feels strange, because it isn’t their window, but it’s the best they have. And maybe it’s best that it isn’t their window, because it isn’t tainted by the memories.

Riley opens her mouth to say something, but an apology spills from Maya’s mouth before she can utter a word. She apologizes for all the hurt she caused, for ignoring her when she should have been reaching out. For the anger she felt at Riley not telling her the truth. For the anger she felt at herself for not noticing how Riley was struggling. That she and Lucas have fallen apart, and by extension the whole group. That she can’t deal with everything happening without her best friend by her side. But most of all, she apologizes for shutting her out when Riley needed her the most.

Riley doesn’t say a word until she finishes, and she apologizes too, and they sit together, and cry, and make promises to be better friends. And Riley just smiles sadly at her, when Maya asks her to come home.

Maya understands though, wishing she could do the same thing.

But it’s as she slips into the car to go home that she feels lighter than she has in awhile. And she smiles because she has her best friend back. And she glances back up at the house, at where Riley is standing on the porch waving goodbye. And it feels like a new chapter in her life.

And she feels ready to face the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review?


	4. Focal Point (Hello Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It feels like a fresh start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why not? I'm addicted to this universe I created. Oops. Also, the new promo for Legacy has left me in a puddle on the floor. Oh well.

_ “Hey, it’s me.” _

* * *

She spends New Year’s Eve on the rooftop, looking out at the skyline of her beloved city. It feels cathartic, in a way, to be up here, alone, again. She thinks of a year ago, of the shock, and the distress, and her heart aches at the thought. She thinks of Charlie, and their break-up and sitting alone, and Maya not even caring enough to ask if she was alright. She thinks of Maya, walking up to Lucas, and them standing together, and for once, not feeling angry or hurt.

It feels like a fresh start.

Maya joins her on the rooftop around ten, and then Farkle around eleven, and they ring in the new year together, standing next to each other. Perhaps it was always meant to be just the three of them, sitting together on the bench, cuddled up against the cold. And the thought should scare her, because no matter what, she never wants to lose Lucas, but then, if she never has him, she supposes she’ll be alright.

So something new begins.

She finally gets rid of Lucas’s shoes in the bucket by her bed, and the notebook with his name on both sides gets tucked away. She tosses the dress she wore on their first date into the back of her closet, and the princess cap her mother lent her goes back into a box. She puts the train ticket for Texas in a drawer, and slides it closed.

When she’s done, she feels cleansed, feels almost whole. And she wonders why she didn’t have the strength to do this before.

* * *

_ “I’m sorry for leaving.” _

_ “I’m sorry you felt like you had to leave.” _

* * *

She goes back to school on a Monday morning. It’s different now, a different building, different people, a different life. But she goes to her classes, and sits in her seat, and soon, it’s like she’s been here forever, her old classmates welcoming her back into the fold.

She tries not to listen to the whispers that follow, whispers of what she did, what she ran from. Rumors from people that barely know her, and don’t have a say in her life. Rumors from people that she used to call her friends. People that have no idea how broken she was on the inside, and how she stitched herself back together. She almost dares that they walk a mile in her shoes.

She has a few classes with Maya, and a few with Farkle, and one with Lucas. Thankfully, Farkle is in the class she has with Lucas, and she can almost feel him tense beside her when Lucas walks into the room. She offers Lucas a smile, and she can feel Farkle relax when Lucas smiles back. She wishes she could block out the whispers that start up as soon as Lucas sits down. Instead, she ignores them, but knowing she’ll have to face them later. Farkle keeps her distracted during the class, writing sarcastic comments on a spare piece of paper, that has her struggling to hold in her laughter.

Lunchtime offers a brief respite, as she sits squeezed between Maya and Farkle. They glare at anyone who tries to approach the table, and Riley is grateful that she doesn’t have to listen to the rumors that are still flying around. She can even feel when Lucas walks in, Farkle and Maya tensing beside her. She smiles up at Lucas instead, and offers him to sit with them. He declines, looking vaguely uncomfortable, and instead offers for the four of them to hang out sometime, somewhere else.

She agrees without a moment’s hesitation. She needs this. Needs to have the four of them be friends again. They set a time and a place, before Lucas goes to sit with Zay.

* * *

_ “I never meant to hurt you.” _

_ “I know. And I think that’s what makes it worse.” _

* * *

The first time they try to hang out as a group of four friends goes disastrously. Maya and Lucas can barely even look at each other, Farkle looks like he’s about five seconds from leaving, and Riley? Riley just wants everything to go back to normal, so she starts talking about her math class. Everyone sort of stares at her, until Maya tentatively makes a comment about the homework, and that’s all that's needed for the proverbial floodgates to open.

Riley catches Lucas staring at her, more than a few times, but she immediately looks away, trying not to get swept up in the moment.

She goes home that night, heart happy, and feet light.

It’s not perfect, probably won’t be perfect for a while, but it’s a start. A start to the healing process, that she was afraid she wouldn’t get, that it would always just be her, and Farkle, and Maya.

Zay eventually joins them, and it feels like before. And it seems strange, that her life would be split into  _ before _ and  _ after _ , before Texas, and after. Texas almost feels like it exists outside of time, like this strange nightmare that she finally woke up from.

Except it really happened, and she just can’t seem to forget.

And she’s not sure she really wants to.

Because she’s not sure how long they could have gone on, in the feelings of before. Maybe it would have caused more damage in the long run.

She’d take the heartbreak she experienced now, over anything else that could have happened.

* * *

_ “I did what I thought was expected of me.” _

_ “Who expected you to do that?” _

* * *

Maya comes to her eventually, and they finally talk about what happened. About all the hurt and anger they felt, that they didn’t talk about when she was in Philly. All the things they’ve never been able to say. They sit in the bay window for hours, and it feels cathartic, and like she’s coming home.

She prods Maya into hanging out with Lucas some more, and soon, they’re on their way back to being friends. It will probably never be the same between them, but they’re working on it.

The first time she calls him “Ranger Rick”, Riley smiles like she’s won a small victory, and maybe she has. Maya still watches him sadly sometimes, and when Riley asks about it, she just smiles, and tells her that it’s more wishful thinking than anything.

That she realizes now that she and Lucas were never meant to be more than friends.

Riley wants to ask what she thinks about her and Lucas, but somehow, she can never quite get the words out.

Maya seems to know anyways, and tells her that Lucas still loves her. And Riley so desperately wants to believe that, down in the depths of her soul, and yet, she knows it’s probably not likely. Middle school romances don’t usually last forever. Besides, it’s not like she and Lucas are her parents. She remembers what her Uncle Shawn said, that there’s only one Cory and Topanga. So maybe she and Lucas aren’t meant to have a happy ending as anything more than friends. The thought stings, but she supposes it’s for the best.

She asks Maya about her happy ending, and Maya just shrugs her shoulders. Riley casually mentions that Josh is in town now, and she watches as Maya tries so hard to appear uninterested. But she catches the flicker of hope in Maya’s eyes, and it’s enough.

Maybe Maya can get her happy ending, even if Riley can’t.

* * *

_ “I couldn’t let Maya be unhappy, not when she stepped back for me. And I thought you felt something too, especially when you called her the blonde beauty.” _

_ “And I called you the pretty brunette. Riley, I came up with those names to describe you to Zay. Not because I liked Maya more than you.” _

* * *

She still takes the subway a lot. She sits in the same seat every time, and people come and people go, but no one stays. She thinks about what would have happened, if she hadn’t landed on Lucas’s lap on the subway. If they’d sat in another car, or he’d taken a later train.

Maybe they were always meant to end up like this.

Forever caught in the awkward space of what could have been, had she stayed and fought, and what will never be, because she gave it all up and ran away.

She eventually stops taking the subway, except for school with Maya, unable to stand it more than she has too, as consumed as she is in the would haves, could haves, and should haves. And maybe it’s for the best, that she puts it behind her. A step in the healing process.

She’s learning to live in reality, rather than Rileytown.

And maybe this is all part of growing up, like the changing of the bay window.

She says as much, to Maya, and she just smiles, and gives her a hug, and makes her promise that no matter how much everything changes, that she never stops being herself. And she promises, tucking Rileytown into the corner of her mind, where her childhood rests.

She still visits sometimes, when she’s feeling low, and like the weight of the world is on her shoulders.

Younger Riley greets her with a smile, and a quick tug on her hand.

* * *

_ “For two people who love to talk to each other, we’re terrible when it matters most.” _

_ “Maybe we could start over. Hi, I’m Lucas.” _

* * *

The first time Riley and Lucas really talk after everything happens, is in the library. It should be poetic, in a way that they have no right to be, though Riley supposes that it’s better than nothing. Riley glances around at all the dusty old books, thinks of all the stories resting in their pages, and turns to face Lucas, and wonders how their story is going to end.

She thinks of a long forgotten horse ride, a princess crown, and a gentle smile.

Of happily ever after and true love’s kiss.

It’s not enough, will probably never be enough, but she pushes those thoughts to the back of her mind. She can’t afford to screw this up, and lose him again. She won’t lose him again. And if that means that they’re never going to be together, than she thinks she could handle that. She’d rather always have Lucas in her life as her best friend, than lose him. She knows that now.

She wonders if he thinks of how things used to be.

If he still dreams of a happily ever after for the two of them.

And she pushes those thoughts to the back of her mind, because it doesn’t matter. Not anymore. She refuses to be stuck in the constant loop of will they, won’t they. It won’t do anything other than give her a broken heart, and she refuses to be broken up over Lucas.

She needs to move on, and so does he.

She won’t lose him, not again.

She can’t.

* * *

_ “I love it.” _

_ “And I love you.” _

* * *

It’s still there, buried beneath her skin, this desperate urge to tell Lucas how she feels. Because she still loves him, will probably always love him. She thinks about it a lot, when she’s sitting near him in a classroom, or next to him at lunch, barely a breath away.

But it won’t do any good now, not when they’re finally getting back to the way things used to be. She won’t disrupt the fragile peace they’ve managed to build, the tentative camaraderie. It’s merely an echo of what it was before, but at this point she’ll take what she can get.

She’s learned it’s better to have Lucas as a friend, than nothing at all.

And maybe it’s unhealthy, this almost obsessive need to have Lucas around, rather than let him go, and move on, but she can’t find it in her to care. She’s not willing to give up, not this time around.

She’s learning to fight for what she wants, even if it’s a mere shadow of what she could have had. It’s a start. A step in the right direction.

And it’s as she’s sitting in the classrooms, or at the lunch tables, that her hope is the strongest, because sometimes she’ll catch him looking at her, eyes filled with something that she can’t figure out.

It’s not the way he looked at her before, but rather something else. Maybe something more.

But then he breaks away, and the moment is gone, and she wonders if maybe she’s imagining it all. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it probably won’t be the last, at least not where Lucas is concerned.

She read somewhere that you never forget your first love, and she thinks she’s beginning to understand what that meant.

Lucas was her first love, and though she’d wish, more than anything, for him to be her last, maybe it’s not meant to be.

Some love stories aren’t meant to have a happy ending, and maybe there’s is one of them.

* * *

_ “I never wanted to lose your friendship.” _

_ “And I don’t want to lose yours. You’ve changed me, and I don’t want to go back to that.” _

* * *

The whispers eventually die down, and everyone seems to forget. Except for Riley. She thinks about it, in the darkest parts of the night, as she sits in her bay window, and looks at the stars that now seem so far away. She thinks of Philadelphia, and the way the stars felt so close, almost like she could touch them. She thinks about the universe, and the improbability of finding the one person who’s supposed to be there through all of it.

She thinks of the ancient stories of soulmates that her dad used to tell her, and the gods being so jealous they separated the soulmates, for them to never find each other. And she doesn’t know if Lucas is her soulmate, after all she’s still so young, but maybe he could be. She thinks of what it’d be like to be forever attached to her soulmate, and then she remembers her parents, and suddenly it’s not so hard to imagine at all.

She wonders if she’ll ever find the same thing. If there’s someone out there in the world, who will stick with her through all of it.

And yet, she can’t stop thinking of Lucas.

Maybe she shouldn’t give up hope quite yet.

If Lucas is her soulmate, then maybe they’ll find their way back to each other. But then, maybe there is no such thing as ‘meant to be’ or all that garbage that all the love songs, and tv shows, and movies try to push down her throat. Maybe there’s no such thing as fate, or destiny.

And yet, she can’t seem to give up hope. And she wonders if there’s other universes out there, universes where there’s another Riley, and another Lucas, and maybe they’re happy together, somewhere out there. And she thinks she’d like to live there, where her heart is.

* * *

_ “So we start over?” _

_ “We start over, and this time we talk, about everything, including the things that matter most.” _

* * *

Talking begins to come more easily to her and Lucas. They talk about their hopes, their dreams. Their relationship that almost was. Things they’d never talked about before, things that should have been talked about back when it all started.

They talk for hours, until their throats are sore, and she feels like she can’t get another word out. And yet she keeps going, fingers curled around her phone, until she can barely keep her eyes open.

She wishes they had been this close before. But then, maybe she wouldn’t have appreciated it as much as she does now. And it scares her to think that maybe this was what she needed all along. To go through the pain and the heartache, so that she could appreciate her relationship with Lucas, more than she would have if she hadn’t lost him.

Maybe her heart was always supposed to break.

And that thought keeps her awake at night, when she sits in her bay window, and looks up at the stars, or what little she can see of them. And some nights she can’t sit still, so she walks up to the roof, and sits on the bench, with a hot mug of tea. And she’s up there so often now, that she hangs some lights, puts pillows on the bench, and it’s like her own little getaway. And sometimes Maya joins her. Sometimes they talk, and sometimes they sit in silence, and Maya never prods, never pushes, never asks her to talk about how she feels. And Riley is grateful, because she’s not ready.

Not yet. Maybe one day though. Soon.

* * *

_ “I guess I’ll see you at school on Monday? _

_ “I’ll be there.” _

* * *

She goes back to Philly for the summer, and spends every night staring at the stars. She’s missed this, more than she thought she would, when she moved back to New York. She talks to Mr. Feeny most nights, stories of her life in New York, of her parents. Her friends. How everything seems so much brighter than it did a year ago.

He just smiles and nods, watering his garden.

She understands, why her father respects him so much.

And Farkle and Maya come to visit, and she shows them all her favorite places around town, and all the friends she met. Farkle is fascinated by the town their parents grew up in, of places he’s only heard stories about. He takes loads of pictures, sends some on to his father, and some to his mother, and begs them to come visit more often.

Lucas doesn’t visit, and she tries not to feel hurt, but she understands. If things were the other way around, if Lucas had run away, and then came back, she wouldn’t want to visit that place either.

She wishes he’d come though, so she could show him all the places where she started to heal. The diner that her parents used to go for dates, the salon that cut her mother’s hair, the middle school where they fell in love. All the pieces of her history, that helped stitch her back together.

The place that’s become just as important to her, as it was to her parents.

Maybe this is where love stories are born.

* * *

_ “I should go, my family’s waiting.” _

_ “Goodbye, Riley.” _

* * *

She wonders what it’d be like, to go back to Texas, now that everything seems to be getting back to normal. If it would change anything, to go back.

But then she pushes the thoughts out of her head, because it doesn’t matter. She needs to live in the present, in the reality that Texas happened, and what she’s gone through since then. That she had her heart broken, so broken that she ran away. That she came back, and she healed. That she’s stronger now than she was then.

That maybe Texas wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

She says as much to Maya and Farkle, who look at her weirdly, like she’s grown another head. And she supposes it does sound a little crazy, after everything she went through, after everything they went through, but then maybe it’s not so crazy. Maybe it’s what she needed to let everything go. Maybe it’s her way of healing.

And she thinks back to Christmas, of that fateful phone call on the rooftop, when she was just beginning to get her life back on track, and she thinks of how much she’s grown.

And she realizes that this is what it’s like on the other side of heartbreak.

She made it.

* * *

_ “Goodbye, Lucas.” _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review, please? Or if you have any questions, feel free to message me on my tumblr: harrythe.tumblr.com  
> Also, there will probably be more parts, so...


	5. Hey Brother, Hey Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promise that I'll come back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Auggie. Because I can. 
> 
> Also, alternatively titled "Hey Sister (Do You Still Believe In Love, I Wonder)

_Love is stupid_ , is the first thought that comes into his head when his big sister tells him she’s leaving. After all, if love was smart, his sister would stay. He knows that, even though he’s only six years old. People who love you stay. His parents stay. Ava stays. So why won’t Riley? Does she not love him enough to stay?

He asks her as much, and she assures him it’s not his fault. And he makes her pinky promise, not because he needs that assurance, but because a pinky promise is the strongest promise he knows. And Riley wouldn’t ever break her pinky promise.

He notices that Maya and Lucas haven’t been around, and he starts to put two and two together.

He may use puppy eyes on Farkle to get the rest of the information, and then he’s angry. He told Lucas not to hurt his sister. And then Riley got hurt, and she fled the state, and left Auggie behind. And he’s angry because he made Lucas promise. Made him promise to not hurt Riley, after he told him that Riley only needed one brother.

He was wrong about that though, her only needing one brother.

Farkle can be Riley’s other brother. He understands, even at six, that there are some things Riley can’t tell him, that she can talk to Farkle about. So Farkle is allowed to be her other brother.

He’s also angry at Maya. Sisters are supposed to protect each other, to be there for them through the hard stuff. Like his Uncle Eric, and Uncle Josh, and his dad, and even his Aunt Morgan. Even his Uncle Shawn knows to be there through everything. So where is Maya?

Why isn’t anybody trying to get Riley to stay?

Why does she have to leave?

Why won’t she stay?

He wants to scream, so loud, and so long, and maybe if he does, Riley will hear him. And Riley will stay. And she won’t abandon her brother.

On the day Riley is supposed to leave, Auggie follows her around like a puppy. Any other time, Riley probably would have been annoyed, but now? Now she just smiles, and stops to give him the occasional hug, like she feels guilty for leaving him behind. Auggie hopes she does, because you’re big sister is supposed to be there, your whole life.

Eventually, Riley sits in her bay window, patting the seat next to her. Auggie climbs up, and Riley hugs him, telling him that she’ll miss him, and promising to call every night, and she’ll tell him his bedtime stories. He makes her pinky promise that too.

Auggie wants to tell her that they’d sound better if she told them at home. That he doesn’t want to listen if she’s not here. That big sisters are supposed to stay.

But then he pulls back and gets a good look at his sister. And he’s only six, but he can see how tired she is, see the way her shoulders are hunched over, and how sad her eyes look, how sad they’ve looked for awhile now.

And as much as it hurts, maybe it’s a good thing she’s going.

And when it’s time for her to go, he cries and cries and cries, and makes her promise not to forget him.

He watches Riley hold back her tears, and solemnly holds out her pinky, and swears. And she swears that she’ll come back, and she’ll miss him everyday. And she promises him that no matter what, she loves him.

And Auggie lets her go, hoping that the sister he left behind comes back healthier, happier, and whole.

He misses the big sister who used to play pirates with him in his bedroom. A time when his bedroom was a pirate ship, and he was the fiercest, bravest, most cunning pirate of all.

He doesn’t feel very brave right now, as he waves goodbye to his sister.

He feels the tears fall down his face, and he raises his pinky finger as the car pulls away, and watches his big sister hold up hers in return.

_I’ll miss you_ , it says. _I promise to call you every night. I love you. I promise I’ll come back_.

And it’s difficult to adjust to not having his big sister around, but he makes do. She calls him every night, and tells him his bedtime stories. Sometimes his Uncle Josh chimes in, and sometimes his grandparents do, but Auggie likes it best when it’s just Riley. Sometimes, if he closes his eyes, it almost feels like she’s there with him.

And every night, she ends the call with the same thing. _I pinky promise that I miss you, and that I’ll see you soon, and I’ll call you tomorrow night. I love you, Auggie. You’re the best brother._

And when she comes home, just before Christmas, she wraps her brother in a hug, and links their pinky fingers together. _I promised I’d come back._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea behind the pinky promise comes from my niece and nephew, who are three and five respectively, and when they visit we make a pinky promise each time they leave to go back home that goes: I promise that I will always miss you when you’re gone. I promise that we’ll see each other again soon. And I promise that I will love you forever and ever, no matter what. And then when they leave, they always hold up their pinky fingers through the car window so I can see it. So, I figured I’d work that in here, and tell you why, in case you were curious.
> 
> Also, Girl Meets Legacy sucked. Resolved triangle. Right.


	6. Maybe You Are Stronger Than I Was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because he did love her, loves her more than anything he’s supposed to feel at his age. Loving Riley feels as natural as breathing, like it’s the only thing he’s meant to do for the rest of his life. Loving Riley feels like putting on his coziest sweater, and watching the rain or snow fall outside, as he sips a warm cup of cocoa. It’s comforting, and it feels like this is all he was born to do. Born to love Riley, beyond anything. And it should scare him, because he’s only fifteen, and Riley is, was, could be, his first girlfriend, and his last girlfriend, and he had some semblance of feelings for Maya, but even then it feels like he’s always coming back to Riley. It’s always been Riley, he knows that now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from "Hell" by Olivver The Kid. Sorry this took so long to post. If you want to read the complete story, it's over on fanfiction.net. If you don't want to read it over there, I should have the rest of it posted on here in the next few days.

_ I’m leaving. I’m going to go live with my grandparents. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay. I love you. _

He thinks about going to her, about begging her to stay. He wonders if it would do any good, if it would fix the gaping loneliness in his chest. The loneliness that threatens to engulf him, like teetering on the edge of a cliff. But then he wonders if he could say anything at all, to get her to stay.

And his heart feels so far broken that he’s not sure it will ever repair.

And the next thing he knows, he’s at school the next day, staring at her empty seat. And in that moment, it feels like he can’t breathe. Like everything that ever made him Lucas, at least the New York Lucas, has vanished, and he can feel Texas Lucas creeping in. And he can’t do anything to stop it, not when his anchor, the one person who keeps him centered, is gone. And it seems so ridiculous, that one person can keep him grounded above all else, and yet, he hasn’t felt the same since their trip to Texas, when Riley rejected him. Rejected the love he was so sure they shared.

His world collapsed, and he was left to scramble for the pieces, without an anchor. Without anything to bring him back.

And he can feel as Texas Lucas keeps creeping in, feels himself getting angry, sometimes for no reason at all, and he wants to run, punch, hit, something, anything, just to let go of all the anger he feels. Anger at Riley, for leaving instead of staying, anger at himself, for not pleading with her to stay. Wants to get rid of the last time he saw Riley, looking so tired, and broken, and sad, the day before she left. It all feels like some giant nightmare that he can’t wake up from. And he so desperately wants to wake up.

He doesn’t understand why she couldn’t stay. Riley’s always supposed to be the one to stay, the one to fix things, the one to make sure they don’t fall apart. Because that’s what happened, after she left. They fell apart, crashed and burned. Maya’s not talking to him, and Farkle doesn’t seem to know what to say. Even Zay is keeping quiet about this, which is unusual. They all seem to just sit in silence, until he feels like screaming. And the days continue like this.

And he sits in his room at night, looking up at the stars, the ones that seem so far away from home. And he waits. Waits for her to come home, for her to call, for anything at all. He refuses to believe that this is the end, that there is no hope for him and Riley. That it’s all disappeared through his fingers like smoke. Because if this is really the end, if the universe is really this cruel, to give him something so perfect, so beautiful, then there’s no hope. There’s nothing to pull him back. And he may not believe in Pluto, never had hope for something billions of miles away, but there has to be hope in this world. There has to be.

He’s never believed in fate, or destiny either, but he believes in what he feels, and what he feels for Riley is what brings him back every time. Every time his anger starts to get to be too much, that he just wants to rip, tear, punch, kick,  _ destroy _ , until he remembers Riley, and how disappointed in him she would be, and he never really got a chance to thank her. Thank her for all the times that she brought him back from the guy he used to be.

He wonders if she thinks of him too, if she wonders what would have happened if she’d chosen a different path, or kept her mouth shut about Maya. Maybe they’d be together, instead of thousands of miles apart.

If he could go back, and change things, he’d show up at her door the day that she left, hat in hand, and beg her to stay. Or he’d fight harder for her in Texas, force her to face the fact that they’re never going to be brother and sister, not in a million different years, or a million different lifetimes. Or maybe after they broke up, he’d promise that he’d wait for her, until they were ready. A million different scenarios, a million different ways that he’d go back and change the past.

He wishes he had told her that he loved her.

Because he did love her, loves her more than anything he’s supposed to feel at his age. Loving Riley feels as natural as breathing, like it’s the only thing he’s meant to do for the rest of his life. Loving Riley feels like putting on his coziest sweater, and watching the rain or snow fall outside, as he sips a warm cup of cocoa. It’s comforting, and it feels like this is all he was born to do. Born to love Riley, beyond anything. And it should scare him, because he’s only fifteen, and Riley is, was, could be, his first girlfriend, and his last girlfriend, and he had some semblance of feelings for Maya, but even then it feels like he’s always coming back to Riley. It’s always been Riley, he knows that now.

He and Maya are, were, like fire, eventually they would burn each other up, into something unrecognizable, something that would destroy everything in their path, until there was no turning back. He and Maya are too much alike, too angry at the world, too bitter. They both need Riley to balance them out. To have the hope for the both of them. And maybe now that he and Maya are some weird form of friends, things will go back to normal. He and Maya will probably end up being the brother and sister Riley tried so hard to be.

And even though it pains him to hurt Maya, he knows it’s better for it to end now, like this, rather than down the line, when they’re too far gone to turn back. This is better, even though he wishes they could have escaped this without the hurt.

His mother used to tell him stories of alternate universes, of places where he could be a prince, or a pirate, or a pauper. When he was younger, he wondered what it would be like to live in those universes, if the other versions of himself were happy. And maybe if there are other universes, other times and other places, maybe he and Riley are happy in them. And his heart aches to belong to those universes. To be in a place where he and Riley love each other so completely, so fully, so irreversibly.

He’d give up anything to live in that universe, rather than one where he and Riley are so broken that he’s not sure they’ll ever fall back together. Instead he waits. He waits for Riley to return, for her to love him, for that happiness that slipped right through his fingers.

He can feel the pieces of New York Lucas slipping away, bit by bit, and he doesn’t care. He feels like a hollowed out shell, like the best parts of him are gone. And maybe they are. Riley was his anchor, the person who kept him grounded, and it was probably so stupid, to put that sort of role on a person, someone who might disappoint him, and has, but he couldn’t help himself. Riley was supposed to always be around. And now she’s gone.

And so he waits.

He waits through days, and weeks, and months. He waits until it feels like he can’t wait any longer, this itch that he can’t scratch. A desperate need to see her, to contact her. He waits as the seasons change, and the leaves turn brown, and fall off. He waits as the snow falls gently from the sky, and his mom presses cups of hot chocolate into his hand.

And then Riley comes back, and it feels like maybe he can stop waiting. They’re talking again, slowly, and it’s almost worse than the waiting for her to come back. Because it’s a different form of waiting. The waiting to see if she’ll say something, anything, about the two of them. And when she doesn’t, he waits some more.

Days once again turn into weeks, which turn into months, and still, Riley says nothing. And it hurts to be near her, to be with her, but not together, and if he loved her less, he’d be gone by now. But he doesn’t feel any less than he did a few months ago, in fact, he’s sure he loves her more now than he did then. Everyday his feelings for Riley grow, until he’s sure that this is the stopping point. He can’t love her anymore now, than he does before.

He’s wrong every time.

Loving Riley is more than just like putting on a comfortable sweater. Loving Riley is like breathing, like it’s become as much a part of him as getting up in the morning, or going to bed at night. Loving Riley is all he knows, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He can’t have it any other way, and if someone were to ask him ten, fifteen years from now if he loved Riley, he’d tell them yes. He would always tell them yes. Riley is his person, full stop. He wants to hold on, and never let her go, and if this is his world, then he never wants to be apart from her ever again.

He should go to her, and tell her. He should just walk up to her door, and let her know everything he’s feeling. And yet, he can’t make his feet move. So he waits.

He waits for the day that he can tell Riley he loves her. He waits, because Riley needs to come to him. He can’t scare her off, not now. So he waits.

And he’ll keep waiting. As long as it takes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the whole it's always been Riley thing happened. What a great day. What a great episode. Ski Lodge Part 2 is literally my life right now.

**Author's Note:**

> Review?


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